The honeymoon is over

Yes, pregnancy can be a wonderful, miraculous thing. It can provide moments of sheer joy and amazement as you watch and feel this life growing inside of you. But contrary to what so many women want you to believe, it is not 9 months of bliss. Yes, I am grateful for the fact that I am pregnant, and I know for some women they would do anything to be able to share in this miracle--I am not overlooking how fortunate I am to be able to get pregnant and carry my own children. However, the experience isn't all glowing and happy, either.

For me, the "honeymoon phase" of this pregnancy is definitely over. For most of the second trimester, I felt well, I had energy, my hormones were (fairly) stable, and I was excited about the pregnancy. But now that I'm 29 weeks and growing more uncomfortable by the minute, those days are long over.

It's gotten impossible to sleep, between having disturbing dreams every night, Aiden waking me up for drinks of water or bathroom breaks, the inability to get comfortable, waking up drenched with sweat several times a night, etc. My body is tired from carrying around a whole other person--my back hurts, my ribs hurt, my legs feel like they have pins and needles all the time, and I've got someone's knees or head or elbows poking me in the gut all the time. I've been horribly irritable and cranky lately--the exhaustion and the discomfort of being pregnant, especially in the heat of the summer, is wearing on my ordinarily sunny disposition.

My poor husband is probably feeling pretty "neglected" about now, but I'm just so tired lately and I feel huge and not exactly beautiful these days. My brain has gone to mush, I can't remember a thing, I'm clumsy and awkward and tired all the time and feel like my body has been taken over by someone else and isn't my own anymore. I want to cry at the drop of a hat and the smallest things annoy me to no end. I don't want to be at work, I hate my job, I just want to clean my house, obsess about getting ready for the baby, and get everything I possibly can done and organized before she gets here, because I know once she arrives our lives are going to be turned upside down.

And then there are the worries--about the baby; the birth; my health; the stress another kid is going to put on my marriage; how I'll ever manage taking care of Aiden and Aubrey; how I'll ever be able to love another child the way I do Aiden; how I'll ever be able to care for the demands of an infant while still making Aiden feel important and special and loved; how another family member will affect our finances; whether I'll be able to take my time going back to work or whether I'll have to return quickly or pull Aiden out of school because of budget concerns and, if so, how I'll ever be able to handle putting an infant in day care...the list goes on and on and on.

I know, rationally, that this pregnancy will end soon enough and I will miss having her inside me. I know that many of my worries and concerns are probably unfounded and will work themselves out. "Don't worry" people tell you, but that's like telling me not to blink--sure, I can control the urge for a while, but eventually, my body is going to give into the reflex.

I don't want to rush her out, I want her to stay in and "cook" for another 9-11 weeks, as planned. And part of me thinks that this may be my last pregnancy (we haven't decided), so I should be treasuring every moment. But another part of me just wishes there was a fast forward button on this pregnancy.